To Kill a Liaison
by Painbow
Summary: AtS season 5; The gang has finally decided to kill Eve. Wackiness ensues…


**To Kill a Liaison**

_By_ "Painbow"

_Summary:_ comedy and definite snark; Ats S5, spoilers up to "Power Play"; The gang has finally decided to kill Eve. Wackiness ensues...

_Disclaimer:_ If I didn't own 'em before, what makes you think I own 'em now?

_A/N:_ This is in response to something that greatly disappointed me about the last season of Angel: Eve did not die horribly. I sat all the way through the last 5 episodes of the series hoping against hope that Eve would die in a most painful fashion...and nothing. Nada. I figured since I put up with the silly cow for an entire season I should at least be able to watch her death...but no. Joss refused to satisfy my blood-lust, so I found another way.

I also have issues with a certain slayer whose name rhymes with 'huffy'...and bearing that in mind, I think I treat her pretty damn well... :D

* * *

****

Eve stood in the lobby of Wolfram & Hart, the combined forces of Angel Inc surrounding her and glaring in a non-friendly way (not that there was really any other way to glare). In fact, the circle of faces was downright threatening.

"Hey, look," she said, hands in the international position for 'please don't brutally eviscerate me.' "I was just doing my job, and that rhymes with mob, and that's the kind of mentality I'm getting here..."

Angel growled. "Eve, that's just one of the many reasons why you need to die. What the hell possesses you to recite such atrocious dialogue? Plus, if I don't at least TRY to kill every woman I've slept with then I'm not following my pattern. You're next...then I'll go find Nina..."

"But look," Eve began again, "I don't want to die. Besides, my death would have absolutely no pathos."

"Wrong," smirked Gunn. "The only time anyone felt anything for you was when I was wringing your neck." He gripped his axe harder.

"Or when I tortured you...well...tried," added Harmony from behind her reception desk.

"But, I'm human now. If you killed me I'd actually die," Eve pouted.

Angel pulled his favorite broadsword from behind his back. "Bonus."

Eve tried to think, but her mind was filled with terrible lines...no, she didn't want to tell him the P stood for prophecy, or that she had control over his comings, or even that this was crazy fun time...

She took an apple out of her pocket. Angel looked exasperated.

"Eve, we've done this already."

"Not quite," she said, and chucked it at his head.

It bounced of Angel's forehead and fell to the floor. "Ow."

"Ok," said Eve, backing away form an increasingly angry Angel, "I can see that that was perhaps not the best plan."

"Nope," said Angel, "cause now I'm gonna kill you even more."

"But, Angel!" Eve scrambled to come up with something to save her whiney ass. "You can't kill me! I'm human!"

Angel stopped advancing. "Crap!"

Wes looked surprised. "What!? You're not going to kill her because she's i _human_? /i "

"I can't Wes. I'd be wrong."

"But Angel, you kill humans all the time!" Wes exclaimed, relaxing his hold on his shotgun.

"What! No I don't!" Angel furrowed his rather substantial brow.

"Hate to tell you, bro, but Wes is right."

"No! I'm a Champion! I SAVE humans, I don't kill them."

"You tried to kill me..." Wes pointed out.

"Hey! I failed! Plus, mitigating circumstances. Insane with rage, remember?"

"You tried to kill Cordy."

"She was evil! And about to give birth to a beautiful, if poorly conceived, rogue power!"

"You killed all those people at the gas station..."

"They were minions or the beautiful, yet poorly conceived, rogue power! Plus, you helped!"

"You tried to kill Fred."

"What! When?"

"While you were in the cage."

"Hey! I was evil! I tried to kill all of you when I was evil!"

"What about those W&H lawyers?" Wes asked.

"Darla and Dru killed them."

"But you let them."

"Fine, so I kill i _evil_ /i humans, which works out nicely." Angel smiled a little, and then frowned, eyebrows nearly covering his eyes completely. "And when did this turn into my trial? Aren't we supposed to be killing Eve here?"

"Hey, I like you on trial a whole lot better then me."

Angel advanced on her with the sword. "Well, I, personally, prefer this."

"Stop!" A voice rang out from the elevator doors.

Spike, who had been previously leaning against a door and smoking a cigarette in a manly fashion, wrapped in his sexy, yet for some reason, much newer looking leather duster, finally perked up. As much as he had enjoyed the other's grilling Angel, this was MUCH more important. He prepared himself to say something witty...

"H-hey Buffy." He looked down at his toes.

Angel's head whirled around. "Buffy?!"

"Hello you two. Wait...are you going to kill that human? But," Buffy looked Very Moral, "that's wrong."

"So's yankin' us around by the bloody short hairs for an entire season," Spike snarked, much happier with this line. He also raised a sarcastic eyebrow. He was happy with that gesture too...

"Well, actually...that's why I'm here," she said. "I'm here to answer the question you've been waiting to hear answered all year. Who will I choose? Who will be the lucky vamp that gets to ride off into the sunset with the Slayer? Who will get to eat hot, delicious cookie-me? Who—"

Angel cleared his throat, interrupting. "Ah, Buffy?"

Buffy looked frustrated at being cut off, mid Important Speech. "What!"

'Luv," Spike began, "Angel and I..."

Angel shifted a little, "Well..."

Spike continued, "We've already chosen." He avoided her eyes.

Buffy looked confused. "Huh?" she said. "But isn't that up to me? Aren't you supposed to brood or smoke in a manly fashion, waiting months on end for my answer, hoping against hope that you'll be the one I pick? That you—"

Angel cut her off again. "Yeah, look, Buffy...as much fun as that sounds..."

"We've got unlives to live, you know!"

"We have priorities. We can't just sit around waiting for your cookies to bake."

"We've moved on, pet." Spike had moved himself closer to Angel.

"We've found we have new interests..."

"In old friends," Spike continued. He had now wrapped his arm around Angel's waist.

Buffy looked at the two ensouled and sexy vampires making mooneyes at each other. It seemed like they had forgotten the other people in the room.

C'mon, Spikey...you know the astronaut would win..." said Angel softly.

"Sorry, Angel-luv, but I have to stay with the caveman." Spike smiled.

Angel pouted. "Why won't you agree with me?"

"Oh, pouty! Look at that lip...gonna get it, gonna get it..." Spike took Angel's lip between his teeth, and the two vampires started kissing each other furiously.

The Angel Investigations crew looked away. They were finally getting used to their co-workers' new relationship, but they still didn't want to watch them kiss...not that there was anything wrong with two guys kissing...

Buffy's mouth hung open. She stared. After a few moments of shocked how-could-they-not-pick-ME!!! silence, her looked turned calculating, and then downright...hungry.

"Well, boys, I know you don't want me as a girlfriend, and hey, who would blame you...I have is-sues," Buffy made a hand gesture reminiscent of one made by a floppy-eared, baggy-skinned demon, "but that doesn't mean the three of us can't wrastle it out..."

Spike looked up from where he was nibbling on Angel's ear. "Hey, why not, luv. What d'you think Angel-pet?"

"You got oil?" he asked.

Buffy pulled a bottle of vanilla flavored massage oil from her back pocket. "This good?"

"Sure," replied Angel, and, priorities finally sorted out, the three super-powered heroes of light collapsed into a vanilla-scented heap-o-love in the middle of the lobby owned by the second greatest evil ever conceived by manïƒ„.

The rest of the AI crew turned away and noticed Eve sulking right where they had...well, ignored her.

"Can we get back to me?" she asked. "After all, I AM what this rather disjointed fan fiction is about!"

The author looked suitably chastised. "Sorry, Eve," she replied, "but...well...Spike and Angel!"

"Fine! But can we get back to me, and that rhymes with T, and that stands for...well, I don't know what it stand for right now, but something to do with MY story!"

A low groan from the middle of the lobby followed by a high pitched, "Eat me! Eat my cookie dough!" distracted our author yet again, but she was recalled to the purpose of the story by a petulant glare from Eve.

"MY story, remember!"

"Right! Sorry!" the author replied. "Back to the story about your agonizing death."

Eve's face froze. "Oh...well, perhaps I don't mind so terribly if you get distracted...I mean it i _is_ /i your story...perhaps we can rehash all of Wesley's mistakes..."

"No, no," replied the author. "You're right. I should remember what's important to the narrative. We'll continue with i _your_ /i story."

The characters around Eve suddenly began to advance.

Wesley looked thoughtful. "Despite Angel's earlier objections, I'm definitely feeling very inclined to kill you."

Illyria, who had previously been communing with the shrubbery, and wasn't interested in this human business anyway, ashes and dust, tasting like offal, was advancing slowly as well.

"You must die," she stated, tilting her head.

Lorne had broken the glass he was drinking from into a rather nasty looking variant on a New York Dagger.

"Yup, Evikins...it's time for your big death scene."

Gunn, gripping his miraculously returned, and rather cool, hubcap axe, that had actually been destroyed battling the beast (but hey! Who cared when you could have CoolAxe!Gunn), grinned.

"Time to get my violence on."

Harmony, still sitting behind the desk taking calls and sipping her otter-laced blood, went into game face to show her support for the team effort.

Eve put her hands up again, this time in the international symbol for 'please don't violently tear me to pieces.'

"Hey, look," she began, "I know we haven't always gotten along, but is that any reason to violently tear me to pieces? I mean, wasn't I pretty much a crappy bad guy? I didn't really do anything that was very effective. I really just pranced around in strange looking skirts, acting smug-yet-wimpy, and spouting bad dialogue at people. Really all the plotting and planning was Lindsey. I was just his pathetically attached girlfriend."

The Fang Gang stopped advancing. Wes lowered his shotgun.

From the lobby floor the gang could hear Spike say, in a muffled voice, "Evil-girl's got a point."

Wes sighed. "She does, doesn't she? And I had been really looking forward to testing my new gun."

"Hey, I wanted to use my cool axe again!" said Gunn.

"And I wanted to split twiggy to bits," Lorne grumbled.

"I care not either way," Illyria tilted her head in the other direction. "But I enjoy doing violence."

"Well," Eve smiled pleasantly, while still backing away, hands held in the international symbol for 'please don't change your mind and kill me in an excruciating fashion' (which looked remarkably like the other two hand gestures), "I guess it's time for me to leave." She turned and made a break for the elevator, nearly tripping over the tangle of super-limbs and slipping in a puddle of vanilla body oil.

She made it in to the elevator, waiting until the doors were about to close before sticking her tongue out at the assembled members of Angel Inc.

Wes placed his shotgun on the reception desk, looking very put out. The rest of the gang lowered their various weapons, similar looks of disgust and disappointment on their faces.

"You guys did the right thing," said Buffy in a much higher tone then normal. "Killing humans is WRONG..." she began to giggle uncontrollably. "Stop..."

Lorne looked away from the spectacle befitting free cable porn. "Well, I for one hope she meets an agonizing end."

* * *

Eve exited the LA offices of Wolfram and Hart. She sighed in relief. So close, so close to losing her what had once been immortal life. She would have to be more careful in the future...and learn how to be properly evil so she could get her revenge. She wasn't sure about revenge for what yet...but she knew she wanted it.

Eve tried out an evil laugh, but it didn't have the desired effect. The people around her in the warm LA day didn't look so much intimidated as like they were remembering something really funny, but didn't want to laugh in public, as the people around them didn't know the joke...

Eve kept walking from the giant building that had been her home, heading straight towards the street. She was so absorbed in thought that she did not notice the sidewalk had ended a few feet ago.

"Hmm...let me try that again. ahem Mwahahah—" she began to cough. "Better," she said, smiling happily to herself. "If people think they can ignore because I'm no good at dressing, being evil, or liaising then they're wrong! I'll show them that I can't be ignored!"

The writer looked down from the view over her keyboard. "Don't worry, Eve...I haven't forgotten you..." she snickered as a rather large semi truck, with a tired and over-caffinated driver, made it's way inexorably towards her position in the middle of a very busy LA street.

"I won't be ignored! I won't be—"

**The End**

ïƒ„ The First greatest evil ever conceived by man being the small fish and chips stand down the block that skimped on the tartar sauce and never gave their workers proper schedules...However, since it didn't have a lobby, they made do.


End file.
